I arose the other day excited. While sleeping I had somehow solved that most intractable of life’s problems: how to increase scoring in soccer. It was so simple, I couldn’t believe no one had thought of it before. All we had to do was get rid of the offside rule. Continue reading
I’m of two minds on the curious habit of spitting. On the one hand, it’s essentially harmless. Spittle is biodegradable, unlike say, plastic bags, nuclear waste or Ann Coulter’s black heart. It may stain the sidewalk for a few seconds, but it’ll be gone by day’s end, unlike that empty bag of Utz potato chips lying 5 feet away from the garbage can.
On the other hand, spitting is the act of a person who says, “Cigarette smoke–you may stay. Arby’s barbeque beef–welcome to my stomach. $5 liquor from the corner store–have you met my liver? But you, accumulation of saliva, deserve no place in my body.”
Because, really, is spitting all that necessary? Continue reading
The Brazil World Cup is going to be a disaster, you’ve heard it explained. There will be chaos on the streets, the games will be in disarray and the country will bring shame to the world’s most popular sport. Sound familiar? That’s because we heard it four years ago when South Africa hosted. Although the details are correct, the subtext is more than just wrong—it’s offensive. Continue reading
For one March afternoon every year, the world stops. I stock up on food and water, turn off my cellphone, double-check my internet bandwidth and cut off all physical contact. I head into my room with a Nalgene bottle, Clif bars and a laptop (complete with backup power cords). While others build bunkers for an apocalypse that might never happen, I prepare myself for my life’s great constant: my fantasy baseball draft. Continue reading